Frequently Asked Questions
In an effort to reduce the time we have to spend dealing with your stupid problems, we've collected some common questions so you can help yourself and leave us alone.
Why is your store so depressing?
Chill out, it's a gimmick. We don't actually feel that way, at least not all of the time. We chose vulgarity and anti-social sentiments as our coping mechanism. We think it's a lot better than hatred, exploitation, and genocide.
Behind the scenes, we're actually pretty optimistic and want to do our part to make this world just a little bit better for everyone. We will be donating 10% of our profits to local, national, and international mental health organizations. The specific organizations will most likely rotate month to month, and no final decisions have been made yet (we aren't profitable yet). If you have a suggestion for an organization doing important and helpful work in this space, reach out to us and maybe we can fit it in the rotation.
Why does your store look like shit?
Because we're using the basic (free) Shopify theme to keep costs and effort down until we prove people are willing to spend money on our admittedly stupid products. If we can make this little project profitable, we will invest heavily in improving and customizing the store's user experience and aesthetic.
Why are there so few cards to choose from?
Because you aren't being a good enough consumer. This is a classic chicken/egg scenario. Each card requires many hours of writing, illustration, design, testing, production, and marketing. This is our side business, so we have limited time to make new content. We will continue to produce new cards on a regular basis, and you can help speed up that process by supporting us. You want full-time content? Give us full-time profit!
When will my order ship?
Under normal circumstances, orders are carefully packaged and shipped within 24 hours from the time you click that beautiful little checkout button.
We're a small shop. There may be times where we know we will not be able to fulfill orders as quickly. If that is the case, we will be sure to make that clear on the website.
There may be rare cases where unexpected emergencies come up and orders may be delayed. Maybe our dumbass intern forgot to reorder cardstock or printer ink, or maybe the CEO was abducted by aliens. Shit happens. We will do everything our power to ensure this doesn't happen, but in these cases we will personally reach out to customers affected and work with them on a case by case basis to resolve the issue.
How long will it take my order to arrive?
This depends on the shipping method you choose, dummy. After we mail your package, it's out of our hands. Our long-term plan is to kidnap Jeff Bezos, where his skin as a suit, and perform a hostile takeover of Amazon to inherit their logistics infrastructure, but until then we're beholden to USPS.
Can I get a refund?
If we messed something up with your order, you betcha. If you just changed your mind, then you can fuck off. This is the ruthless capitalistic world of greeting cards.
We're human, and humans screw up sometimes. If you're order is incorrect or damaged, we'll do everything within our power to fix it and make you happy with your order.
Our official policy is not to provide refunds if the order has already been fulfilled. We're a small business, and this kinda stuff is our kryptonite (aside from late-stage capitalism in general). It wastes time, supplies, but mostly just makes us really sad. That being said, If you feel as though you have a good reason, talk to us. We're not totally unreasonable people, and will do the bare minimum to make you happy so that you'll spend more money with us in the future.
I saw a design on your social accounts that's not available in the store.
Not a question, dummy. But yeah, the rules of social media demands constantly churning out new content to stay relevant, so we've sold out. We create a lot of quick illustrations or designs to keep our posting frequency up with interesting content, but couldn't manage a massive inventory with some designs never actually selling, so we stick to a curated product list. If you see a design that you really like that isn't available, reach out to us and we can work on a special order, or if enough people like a design, we'll add it to the store permanently.
I have an idea for a card. Will you make it?
It depends, is it not terrible? Then maybe. We reserve the right to decide. If you think you have a good idea for a product, pitch it to us! If we like it, we'll add it to our queue, and then send you a bunch of free copies of it after it's made. We own the rights to all cards produced by our artists (ok, it's really just one artist we keep locked in a basement), so don't expect profit-sharing or a buyout. If that's what you want, go make your own damn store. Seriously though, we love hearing ideas, so send them our way!
I have a birthday/wedding/whatever coming up, can you make me a custom card?
Yes, definitely! But you've got to give up that chedda. We offer design services and wholesale pricing, but since this is not a large part of our business it has not yet been standardized. Contact us if you are interested, and we can give you a quote once we understand your needs.
Who is behind Despair Factory?
This store and all associated social presences were created and are managed by Alex Getty all by his lonesome (his wife is very supportive and will probably get roped in to help with production if we get busy). He's is responsible for conception, branding, content, artwork, social & marketing, support, and literally everything else that he can't think of as he is writing this stream of consciousness.
Why do you keep saying "we"?
We use plural pronouns because it either makes us sound like a more legitimate business, or we have multiple personalities. We'll let you decide which sounds more plausible and let you run with it.
How many more clearly contrived FAQ questions are you going to include?